So, I haven’t written anything amounting to a journal or diary entry in about six months, give or take a month. The last thing I wrote about was Yumi’s party, which was on July 25. Since then a lot has happened, but allow me to go over the finer details.

First, I’ll talk about Jian. You remember her, don’t you? Short girl, dry skin, my sweetie pie for about three months? Well, in late August or early September, she dumped my ass. I think our last date was when one of her friends was visiting and we spent the day as a threesome. I don’t quite remember though. It was, after all, quite some time ago. She claimed that since we got back together after the first time I dumped her, we had stopped being able to talk as friends do. That is, without having to watch exactly what one says and without any fear of offending the other. Later, I was to find out that her decision ad more to do with my promiscuity and age than anything else. C’est la vie, no? So, school started in September and I saw everyone I had missed during the summer, from tall, white Jilly, to the adorable Shin, to one of the greatest girls ever born, Mylan. I got to see Yankang every day and Pete, and all those special girls that are so very dear to me. Nothing major has happened since then. I found out Mylan is dating a guy named J—- —, a guy who chills wit H—- — and guys like him. I wonder what attraction Mylan has with guys like that. Is it just their cut bodies or is it a sense of safety with a big bad ass? Whatever the reason may be, I do wish that I had gone down a different path and been one of those people. I imagine life would be much sweeter, and I wouldn’t feel that I’m wasting life as much as I am now. Kim —- broke up with a boy friend of hers and started dating Joe —– in December I think. I’ve never really opposed interracial relationships, but there’s just something inside me that has to make a double take when I see an Asian girl with a guy of a different race. I think to myself, ‘dang, isn’t there a nice Asian guy that she could date?’ But, of course, I know this is a bad attitude to take. Veng was dating Jenny —- for a while, maybe like six months or so; however, they just broke up. Jenny claimed that Veng was too pig-headed for her. I see a reunion ahead for them though. They seem just so perfect together. Jilly still likes Lijue. I wonder when she’ll ever do anything about her feelings, if ever. I hate when people don’t tell each other how they feel. It seems cowardly, but I’m being hypocritical, as usual, so I’ll digress. For a while now, I’ve been depressed. I don’t know what it is, but I wrote this on Valentine’s:

I’m afraid the nature of the holiday and my present situation leave despondency in my heart that seems hopeless. How stale and weary seem to me all the uses of this world. I live as Sisyphus, drudging through life’s trials as I continue rolling my rock in abject futility – I’m tempted to let it bowl me over . . . The trends of the time have conspired so that my most profitable and frequent occupation is staring ahead – as if I could divine the future, as if Darby was the contemporary Delphi. Looking into space gives one time – time to peruse the files of the mind from one despairing memory to the next, time to contemplate the pointlessness of existence, and time to think of those loved and lost – of feelings left unreciprocated … or perhaps, with a touch of luck, time to somehow come to some sort of amalgam wherein all these sometimes conflicting emotions and thoughts can work simultaneously and harmoniously. But is this dream not ephemeral at best? Is it not composed of some sweet ambrosial matter, sprinkled with fairy dust, bathed in moonlight, and laid to stew in gossamer? So that no matter how disciplined the mind or how vivacious the spirit there will always be some inner turmoil, some “jekyllic” and “hydal” conflict of emotions, a contest of wills inside the recesses of our humanity . . . and therein lies the “mot juste” and the force that compels me – the fact that dissension is elementary to the soul and cannot be helped. One must come to realize that life is sinusoidal with the hope of a rise following each fall – that is all we have in the end… hope.

So, I guess you get the picture. I thought I was beginning to get over the feeling, but on the 10th of the month, there was a Golden Phoenix party in Chinatown. I did nothing the whole night but sit, and what’s worse is that Peter got a number. I feel like less of a man. I have to do something to prove to myself that I’m not a bitch. After the party, Yan, Pete, Colland, Julie, and I went to Baja. It was a time killer at best, because there were almost no Asian people there. Oh yeah, I’ve been talking to Xiao a good amount by email. I’m trying to get her with Colland to our prom. I’m probably going to ask Shin…. more later